#MorningVibesWithDrJerryTheFirst-Episode 149/Stop People Pleasing

Friday                            9th February 2018

Morning Vibes With Dr. Jerry - the First

Hello and welcome to #MorningVibesWithDrJerryTheFirst-Episode 149

Title:          If You Have To Choose Yourself First This Year, These Are The 8 Things To Throw Overboard - Stop People Pleasing

In continuation of our discussion on the habits to drop like a piece of hot charcoal if you have to choose yourself first this 2018.

Yesterday we took a look at Overcome The Fear Of Success and discussed in details what it is and how it can be overcome in order to take the lead on.

Today we are taking a look at         Stop People Pleasing

PEOPLE PLEASING

You feel the pressure throb in your veins. A lump rises in your throat as your Colleagues watch you closely. They are expecting you to comply but every fibre of your being wants to scream "No, I can't", but as if possessed, you automatically smile sweetly and say "Yes, I'll do it, thanks for asking.”

What The Heck is going on here?!

Why can’t you just say “no,” and walk away?

This is what people pleasing is - the unbecoming habit of kow towing to every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes your way without a single thought for yourself.

Many persons in this world of today who are people pleasers have allowed people-pleasing to run havoc in their lives. It has crushed their spirits repeatedly. It has robbed them of peace of mind, personal empowerment and the courage to follow their goals and dreams. It has hit them while they were down and dragged them through the dirt. It might have also contributed to chronic issues in their lives such as anxiety disorders, depression, addiction or co-dependency.

So what exactly is people-pleasing … and how can we heal the root cause of it?

For those who are "people pleasers" a dig into the inner recesses of their minds shows that people-pleasing wasn’t really their problem; their desire to make others happy was merely a symptom of a deeper issue.

For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked.

Other people-pleasers have a history of maltreatment, and somewhere along the way, they decided that their best hope for better treatment was to try to please the people who mistreated them. Over time, for them, people-pleasing became a way of life.

Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness.

When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.

People-pleasing can be a serious problem, and it’s a hard habit to break.

At some point or another, we have all struggled with people-pleasing. After all, as social creatures, we are prone to peer pressure and the desire to fit in. But there is a big difference between the desire for acceptance and people-pleasing.

People-pleasing is not just a once-in-a-while foible: it’s a daily struggle.

Here are 10 signs that you may be trying too hard to please everyone:

1. You pretend to agree with everyone.

Listening politely to other people’s opinions — even when you disagree — is a good social skill. But pretending to agree just because you want to be liked can cause you to engage in behavior that goes against your values.

2. You feel responsible for how other people feel.

It’s healthy to recognize how your behavior influences others. But thinking you have the power to make someone happy is a problem. It’s up to each individual to be in charge of their own emotions.

3. You apologize often.

Whether you excessively blame yourself, or you fear other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. You don’t have to be sorry for being you.

4. You feel burdened by the things you have to do.

You’re in charge of how you spend your time. But if you are a people-pleaser, there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that you think other people want you to do.

5. You can’t say no.

Whether you say yes and then actually follow through, or you later fake an illness to get out your commitments, you’ll never reach your goals if you can’t speak up for yourself.

6. You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you.

Just because someone is mad doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong. But if you can’t stand the thought of someone being displeased with you, you’ll be more likely to compromise your values.

7. You act like the people around you.

It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality. But people-pleasers often sabotage their goals. Studies show that people-pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable in social situations. For example, people-pleasers eat more when they think it will make other people happy.

8. You need praise to feel good.

While praise and kind words can make anyone feel good, people pleasers depend on validation. If your self-worth rests entirely on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others shower you with compliments.

9. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.

It’s one thing not to want to start conflict. But avoiding conflict at all costs means that you’ll struggle to stand up for the things — and the people — you really believe in.

10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.

You can’t form authentic relationships with people unless you’re willing to speak up sometimes and say that your feelings are hurt. Denying that you’re angry, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed — even when you’re emotionally wounded — keeps a relationship superficial.

So in simple and plain language, here are the 16 habits of people pleasing personality types.

You struggle to say “no”

You find it hard to be assertive and voice your opinions

You’re hyper-vigilant about perceived rejection from others (always on the lookout)

You’re an emotophobe (you fear negative emotions)

You’re excessively altruistic/philanthropic

You often suffer at the expense of doing a favor for others

You have a weak sense of self and poor interpersonal boundaries

You become emotionally dependent/co-dependent when in relationships/friendships

You’re addicted to approval from others

You have a neurotic desire to be liked no matter what

You feel shattered for days or weeks when someone criticizes you

You have low self-worth

You act based on what “other people think” of you

You always put yourself in other’s shoes, but you rarely show compassion towards yourself

You blindly believe in other people’s “goodness” even if they are clearly abusive towards you

You fear losing control of yourself because you repress so much

It’s also said that people-pleasing can form a bridge to other conditions such as borderline personality disorder and social anxiety disorder.

Why Being “Too Nice” Can Be Dangerous

Obviously there is nothing wrong with being nice. But having the neurotic desire to be nice is dangerous for a number of reasons.

Here’s why:

1. You Suppress A Lot Of Emotion

Inevitably, wanting to be loved and needed by others all the time results in suppressing tons of uncomfortable emotions.

I’m talking rage, hatred, bitterness, annoyance, grief and stress — anything that is contrary to the altruistic image you crave to portray.

You might not be conscious of repressing these types of emotions, but rest assured, it comes with the job description.

You can’t give yourself entirely to other people, deny yourself, and expect to feel fine and dandy in the long term.

Suppression of emotions eventually results in physical or psychological breakdowns.

Many chronic mental and physical illnesses are fuelled by the neurotic desire to please others.

2. Extreme Pressure To “Keep Up Appearances”

One of the worst things about constantly being nice is the extreme pressure you feel to constantly maintain your self-image.

It feels good constantly being on people’s “good” sides.

It feels good to avoid negative feelings and get the spotlight for being a saint.

But this addiction comes at a price: chronic stress.

Often that stress is imperceptible, but it’s always there, always demanding that you keep your mask strapped on even though it might be suffocating you.

3. People Use You

When you’re a people-pleaser you open yourself up to abuse.

Narcissists, energy vampires, bullies and other types of wounded people are drawn to you like fresh meat.

Having weak boundaries, low self-esteem and the insatiable desire to please makes you the perfect “use and abuse” target.

And unconsciously, you like feeling needed and wanted, so you unwittingly continue the toxic cycle.

It’s just like what the famous Eurythmics song “Sweet dreams are made of this” says: “Everybody’s looking for something. Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused …”

4. You Have The Intense Need To Be In Control

At first, people-pleasing might come across as a selfless act. But people-pleasing is actually a selfish act because you’re trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way.

In fact, people-pleasing is more about the desire to be in control than it is to please other people.

Wanting to be liked by others is just a symptom of the desire to be in control because deep down you feel powerless or worthless.

This is why people-pleasing is so exhausting — it goes against the flow of life, and takes so much effort to maintain.

5. No One Really Knows The “True” You

Keeping so much locked inside of you for fear of being disapproved of makes you extremely guarded.

In fact, if you’re a people-pleaser you might fear for instance, getting drunk, because all of the secret thoughts and opinions you have might come to the surface. In other words, you’ll no longer be in control of yourself.

When you’re a people-pleaser no one really knows the “true” and authentic you — they only know the facade that you present them with. 

Unfortunately, this desire to be loved and approved often backfires, making you feel more lonely and disconnected as time goes on.

Eventually, you wind up feeling “invisible” and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.

How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser

Naturally you might be wondering right now, “What can I do to stop this?”

If you are a people pleaser and you are listening to my voice right now or reading this message on the Blog, I want you to know that stopping this deadly habit of people pleasing is a hard task but it is doable

Take these 4 factors I am saying now into deep consideration in trying to break forth out of the cocoon of people pleasing

a.     Taking responsibility for your own happiness

b.     Learning to be assertive

c.     Actively feeling and accepting negative painful emotions

d.     Learning to find self worth WITHIN and not without

The first step to overcoming this self destructive habit of people pleasing is to shift your focal point from the outside world, to the inside world.

Eventually, with time and practice utilizing the points above, you will be able to say sincerely and openly “I am enough unto myself” as I now can.

Let me then sum it up by giving you some strategies to help you stop being a people-pleaser and finally say no.

1. Realize you have a choice.

People-pleasers often feel like they have to say yes when someone asks for their help.

Remember that you always have a choice to say no.

2. Set your priorities.

Knowing your priorities and values helps you put the brakes on people-pleasing. You know when you feel comfortable saying no or saying yes. Ask yourself, “What are the most important things to me?”.

3. Stall.

Whenever someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly OK to say that you’ll need to think about it.

This gives you the opportunity to consider if you can commit to helping them. (Also important is to ask the person for details about the commitment.)

Ask yourself: “How stressful is this going to be? Do I have the time to do this? What am I going to give up? How pressured am I going to feel? Am I going to be upset with this person who’s asking?”

Asking yourself these questions is key because, very often after you’ve said yes or helped out, you’re left wondering, “What was I thinking?” I neither have the time nor the expertise to help out.

If the person needs an answer right away, “your automatic answer can be no,” that’s because “Once you say yes, you’re stuck.” By saying no automatically, “you leave yourself an option” to say yes later if you’ve realized that you’re available. And “you’ve also gotten it off your must-do or don’t-want to do list.”

4. Set a time limit.

If you do agree to help out, “limit your time frame,”. Let the person know that “I’m only available from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.,” for example.

5. Consider if you’re being manipulated.

Sometimes, people are clearly taking advantage of you, so it’s important to watch out for manipulators and flatterers,

How do you spot them? “Often the people who flatter you will say [statements like], ‘Oh you’re so good at baking cakes, would you make a cake for my child’s birthday?’ or ‘I don’t know how to put this bookcase together, but you’re so handy, can you help me out?’”

A classic line is “Nobody does this better than you do,”.

Also, these people “will either coax you into doing something or try to tell you what your availability is or what your time frame is.” Basically, before you know it, they make the decision for you.

6. Create a mantra.

Figure out a mantra you can say to yourself to stop you from people-pleasing. It can even be a visual as simple as a big “No” flashing when a certain friend who “can always talk you into something” approaches you.

7. Say no with conviction.

“The first no to anyone is always the hardest,” .

But once you get over that first bump, “you will be well on your way to getting off the yes treadmill.” Also, remember that you’re saying no for good reasons. “You get time for yourself and for the people you really want to help,” she said.

8. Use an empathic assertion.

Some people initially think that being assertive means “stepping all over people,” No it is not, instead “assertiveness is really about connection.”

Using an empathic assertion “means that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes as you assert yourself,”.

So you let the person know that you understand where they’re coming from, but unfortunately, you can’t help. “People need to feel heard and understood,” and this is a respectful way of asserting yourself and saying no.

9. Consider if it’s worth it.

When asserting yourself, "Is it really worth it?” It’s probably not worth it to tell your boss about his annoying habit, but it is worth it to tell your friend that you can’t do lunch because you’re super busy.

10. Don’t give a litany of excuses.

It’s tempting to want to defend your decision to say no to someone so they understand your reasoning.

But this actually backfires. “As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person lots of wiggle room to come back and say, ‘Oh, you can do that later,’ ‘You can adjust your schedule’ or ‘That’s not as important as what I’m asking

11. Start small.

“Everything we learn how to do we learn through a process,” so take baby steps.

Instead of barging into your boss’s office to ask for a raise, talk with your immediate supervisor first about how to prepare yourself for the talk.

12. Practice successive approximation.

Successive approximation means taking “one step in the direction you want to go” and rewarding yourself for getting that far.

If your neighbor’s dog’s barking is driving you crazy, make efforts to confront the person by first saying “Good morning,” as you’re both leaving the house, she said. Another time, you might mention how noisy the neighborhood has been. If he doesn’t get the hint, you can knock on his door and use an empathic assertion.

It can help to write down “how you get from A to Z,”  

This also helps you gain courage to confront the person.

13. Don’t apologize — if it’s not your fault.

People-pleasers tend to be serial apologists.

Pay attention to when you’re apologizing and consider if you’re really at fault.

Ask yourself if you’re responsible for the situation, she said. Usually, the answer is no.

14. Remember that saying no has its benefits.

“You as a person are entitled to your time and you need to rest and rejuvenate to be there for the people you want to help out.”

Look at saying no as an opportunity to spend your time doing what you value in your life.

15. Set clear boundaries — and follow through.

“We all have physical or emotional limits,” and because of these limits, we have to set boundaries.

Ask yourself what you’re willing to do, and don’t go beyond these limits.

Also, be clear in communicating your boundaries. Say what you’re thinking and what you want.

Letting someone step over your boundaries without voicing your frustrations can lead you to “bottle up this negative feeling about a person…to the point when you have a blowup and really hurt someone’s feelings or end the relationship” completely,” .

For instance, you might “have a friend who’s just so emotionally needy and negative that she calls you all the time with her problems and wants you to listen,”. But “even just listening is asking a favor…[and] every time you hang out, you’re miserable and she feels better.” Respect your boundaries, and at some point, say to her, “I can’t help you,”

There also are subtle ways to respect your boundaries. You might “start taking every other call and wean yourself off of her.”

You can do the same thing with a person who calls you at your busiest time of day. You might say, “I can’t be available for you at 2:30 because I’m at the office; let’s set up a particular time to talk,” she said.

When setting up the time, offer one that works best for you.

Setting physical boundaries might mean telling a person that they can’t just pop over when they want to or borrow your things without asking, she said.

16. Don’t be scared of the fallout.

People-pleasers often worry that after they say no, the fallout will be catastrophic. But, “the fallout is never as bad as we think it is.” In fact, “it’s usually very insignificant.”

Why? For starters, “people are not thinking about you as much as you think.” Usually after you say no, a person is more focused on who they’ll be asking next to help them than your so-called betrayal.

Even a significant request such as being the maid of honor at your friend’s wedding isn’t disastrous. Being the maid of honor “takes a lot of time, energy and money,” which you may not have. You saying that “I’m really honored and this means so much to me, but I won’t be able to do it,” “isn’t going to ruin the wedding,” . “If you have a solid friendship, this isn’t going to end it.”

17. Consider who you want to have your time.

Always ask yourself, “Who do I really want to help?” “Do you want to be there for your parents or some friend from college who lived down the hall who you partied with a lot who’s back in your life and really demanding?”

18. Self-soothe.

Using positive self-talk is “like being a good mother to yourself,”.

You can use this to remind yourself of your priorities and boundaries. For instance, you might say “I can do this,” “I have the right to park in this parking spot,” “I made the decision that’s right for me” or “My values are more important than saying yes in this situation.”

19. Recognize when you’ve been successful.

Many people-pleasers tend to focus on what went wrong. Counteract this tendency by keeping a journal with the times you handled a situation well, such as when you were assertive or didn’t apologize.

In fact, you might be surprised at “how many more times you’re responding confidently,”.

20. Keep a confidence file.

Since a lack of confidence can cause your people-pleasing ways, keep a file with positive and praising emails, cards or anything else, you can keep a self-esteem file for example.

It can even come in handy when asking for that raise.

Print out any emails or letters of praise you’ve received from co-workers or higher-ups and taking them to your boss as another reason why you deserve a raise.

21. Realize that you can’t be everything to everyone.

Again, people-pleasers want to make everyone happy.

While you might make someone happy temporarily, it doesn’t work long term.

And you would even be shocked to find out that those you sweat over for, those you bend over backwards to please never really get pleased.

And you can get hurt in the process. “People who preserve their time and energy and don’t say yes to everyone also realize that they can’t make other people happy,” .

People-pleasers must realize that the only thoughts and feelings they can change are their own.

Until I come your way again, this is #MorningVibesWithDrJerryTheFirst

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