Friday 2nd March 2018
Morning Vibes With Dr. Jerry - the First
Hello and welcome to
#MorningVibesWithDrJerryTheFirst-Episode 170
Title: Are You With
The Wrong Partner And In An Unhappy Relationship?
One of our most essential
needs as human beings is to love and be loved.
Since we are wired for
relationships from the moment we enter the world, one would think it would
be easy to pick partners that suit us well.
But the truth is, many
people repeatedly pick the wrong partner and end up feeling unhappy (and
perhaps utterly pained) in their relationship. For some, it’s easy to walk away
from a relationship when it’s not right but for others, not so easy.
Many people stay in
relationships and are even aware of their unhappiness as
they know deep down that their partner is not the right one.
In my practice two of the
most common themes I hear among my clients when discussing romantic
partnerships are: “Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner?” and “Why do
I stay in relationships that make me unhappy?”
These are important and
complex questions that can only be answered when we take a hard look
at ourselves.
There are multiple reasons
that motivate how we choose our partners and why we stay in dead end
relationships—some of these reasons are conscious while others are unconscious.
In order to understand
what motivates our choices we have to be willing to work on ourselves and build
awareness around our patterns.
I want to address some of
the factors that may lead us into unhappy partnerships, and what keeps us in
them.
Once we have a sense of
why we choose the way we do, we put ourselves in a better position to make
conscious choices and to shift our negative patterns.
This will help us get on the
trajectory of finding a healthy whole relationship.
Here are 6 Reasons We
Choose The Wrong Partners And Stay In Unhappy Relationships
Reason #1: Fear
We can all relate to
making choices out of fear: deciding whether or not to ask your boss for a
raise, confronting someone we feel angry at, and, very commonly, staying in a
relationship we know (on some level) is not right for us.
Fear is one of the worst
decision makers when it comes to choosing a partner.
As instant gratification
seekers, we thrive on the fantasy of the sparkly life experiences —the grand
engagement, wedding, a house, and babies; we just figure we’ll deal with
the rest (ie. our relationship struggles) later.
Fear tells us that we
better lock a partner down fast or we may be alone forever. It causes us
to obsess and sends us the
message that it’s too late to break up and start over.
In our culture no one
wants to be the last single friend, or the really old parent, or be judged for
still being single.
However, what we should
fear most is spending the rest of our lives unhappily with the wrong person.
One solution to working
with fear is to lean into it, as uncomfortable as it might be, and be real with
ourselves about how we feel in our relationship right now.
If you are aware that you
are with your partner because you are afraid to leave (for whatever reason),
try to be aware to the fact that you are choosing to be unhappy now
because you are afraid to be unhappy later.
There comes a point where
we need to make a choice: We either choose to value our own worth or we don’t.
Your partner cannot fill this void.
Reason #2: You
Don’t Value Yourself
We all go through periods
of feeling high and low. I think it’s helpful to think of self-esteem as
existing on a continuum that fluctuates over the course of our lives.
However, in relationships
nothing interferes with the ability to have an authentic, reciprocal
partnership like chronic low self-esteem.
It can cause you to
sabotage relationships or settle for a relationship in which you’re
treated poorly, which ultimately matches your beliefs about yourself. There are
so many valid reasons we do this.
Yet there comes a point
where we need to make a choice: We either choose to value our own worth or we
don’t. Your partner cannot fill this void.
No relationship with someone
else can ever compensate for secretly believing you don’t deserve it.
Depending on your life
circumstances, the concept of valuing yourself may feel impossible. I get
it—but it is also possible.
It’s about starting small
and making a commitment to practice being kind to ourselves and recognizing we
are valuable, even when we think we don’t deserve it.
It’s a process, it will
take time, and it will change your life.
Reason #3: The
Pressure is Real
Let's just say
it: Society gives us terrible advice around our decision making for
choosing a partner.
We are told things
like rely on fate, go with your gut, and hope for the best.
We’re bombarded with
images on social media that make us feel behind in life.
We are indoctrinated with
the belief that we have to find a life partner before we are “too old,” which
depending on where you live, could be anywhere from ages 21-35.
This pressure leads many
to settle for partners they know in the long run are wrong for them.
While it’s true that
pressure is abundant, remember, this is your life we are talking about.
As the writer Tim Urban
profoundly stated, “When you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of
things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence
your children, your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel
companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement
friend, your career therapist, and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18,000
times.” Enough said.
Reason #4: You
Believe Your Relationship Will Complete You
There is a huge mistake
that many people make when looking for a partner.
It is the belief that a
romantic relationship is the key to being happy.
It’s not true.
In fact, this mindset may
actually be sabotaging your experience of finding a partner.
Here’s why:
Other people can feel it
when you have anxiety about finding love.
When you approach a
relationship from a sense of emptiness inside, the people you’re dating will
sense it and it won’t feel good to them.
When you’re
confident, the energy you give off will convey that being in a
relationship is your choice, not a dire need.
When you have that
underlying feeling of needing to find a relationship out of fear, your entire
vibe can change from calm and collected to insecure and riddled with
self-doubt.
The truth is that only you
can complete you, and by that I mean the job of healing one’s own emptiness
cannot be handed over to our partners.
This is personal work
that if left undone will follow you from one relationship to the next.
Many of us pick partners
who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to be
less than desirable.
Reason #5: Familiarity
As human beings, we are
drawn on an unconscious level toward the familiar.
The experiences that make
us who we are also influence whom we choose as a partner.
Many of us pick partners
who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to be
less than desirable.
For example, if our past
was filled with feelings of rejection or inadequacy, we will be drawn to
scenarios in which we feel the same way as adults.
Imagine this scenario: You
may be initially attracted to someone whose attention makes you feel good about
yourself, but eventually, you start to notice that your partner is resistant to
getting close and can be dismissive.
This will in turn trigger
your fear of rejection, validate that you feel inadequate, and trigger anxiety.
Let me be clear that your
fear of inadequacy being validated does not mean you are inadequate.
What it actually means is
that you are being put in the position to confront this belief and to act from
a place of self-worth.
I want to challenge you to
respond differently the next time you feel rejected in your relationship.
Notice if there is a
familiarity of the situation and ask yourself, “Am I OK with this? Is this what
I want in my relationship?” If the answer is no, it is time to act.
If you feel you can’t act
on your own, it is time to reach out for help.
Reason #6: Your
‘Wounded Self’ is Doing the Attracting
Are you attracted to
people that you want to fix? Are you drawn to the “project” aspect of a
relationship where you get to help your partner change for the better?
If you answered yes, you
may be choosing partners from your “wounded self.”
The wounded self is the
part of you that feels incomplete or damaged; it is the part that makes you
question your worth or makes you think you are flawed in some way, always
wondering if you are worth loving.
When you put your energy
into helping your partner heal from their issues it is a way of unconsciously
acting out how you wish to be treated.
The patience, love,
support you provide to your partner is an unconscious desire of what you craved
in your early relationships.
It gets unconsciously
framed in the psyche as “if I can get “x” to change, then I am worth it, I am
loveable.”
For some people it is
easier to put their focus and attention on how their partner needs to change
because it allows them to avoid having to look at their own “stuff.”
There is much healing to
be done when we are choosing our partners from an unhealthy part of us.
When we show up this way
in our relationship we are actually abandoning ourselves and avoiding our
deeper needs. This is a recipe for unhappiness.
Each relationship you
encounter in your life comes with lessons for you to learn and what you need to
evolve.
One of the most profound
and challenging aspects of being in a relationship is that it provides us with
the opportunity for personal growth, if we allow it.
Each relationship you
encounter in your life comes with lessons to learn and what you need to evolve.
But you have to want to evolve.
And until you do, you will
continue to face the same issues with each relationship moving forward.
If we can think of each
relationship as an opportunity to examine where we get stuck or triggered and
aim to work on those parts of ourselves then we put ourselves in a better
position to choose healthy, whole relationships.
Until I come your way
again, this is #MorningVibesWithDrJerryTheFirst
Keep it coming!!!
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PS:
This Program is powered by Topitup Media & Communication Nigeria.
This Program is powered by Topitup Media & Communication Nigeria.
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rights Reserved (c) 2018
So inspiring...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouraging comment
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