Thursday 15th March 2018
Morning Vibes With Dr. Jerry - the First
Hello and welcome to
#MorningVibesWithDrJerryTheFirst-Episode 183
Title: Emotional
Infidelity Is Escalating – Here Are The Warning Signs
Infidelity - oh that
word!!!
There are those commands
straight from the Scriptures which are so sacrosanct and worthy of being obeyed
for the health (spiritual, physical, psychological and otherwise) of the
obedient one but which men, some men that is find a great pleasure in going
against - "Thou shalt not commit adultery"
"Thou shalt not
commit fornication" while the first command applies to married persons,
the second applies to unmarried persons.
For years, infidelity was
judged from the physical point of view but no one took into cognizance that the
process that leads to infidelity is not just a one off process, it is a
continuous one that starts first in the head of the adulterer, in his or her
imagination, in his or her fantasy before finally being let out in the
physical.
So, a new sort of
infidelity has been on the rise for decades, and it’s one of the biggest
threats to marriage: ’emotional affairs.’
Today’s workplace has
become the new danger zone of opportunities for ’emotional affairs,’ surpassed
only by the Internet.
A relationship without sex
can be just as intense, or more so than a sexual one.
Not surprisingly, in most
cases, approximately 80% according to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just
Friends: Rebuilding Your Sanity After Infidelity, the dynamics of these
platonic liaisons crosses over into sexual love sooner or later.
Why the crisis?
To understand the
intensity of emotional infidelity, it helps to see the dynamics as an
addiction, a form of addictive love.
That’s because it’s easier
to let go of a toxic pattern when you depersonalize the experience.
It’s not about ‘how’
special the person is or makes you feel, it’s about the neurochemicals that get
activated when you think and behave a certain way that keeps you stuck in the
damaging pattern!
It isn’t a coincidence,
for example, that persons with alcohol and other addictions are more likely to
get into toxic relationships.
Seeing the problem as an
addiction also gives you access to proven steps to identify and break free of
the toxic patterns.
Why addictive?
An addiction to an activity,
person or substance puts a person’s brain and body in an intoxicating trance
that, on the one hand, does not allow them to think clearly and make informed
choices, and on the other hand, ‘rewards’ them for the toxic behavior
with the release of certain chemicals that provide quick-fixes of pleasure in
the body. Albeit temporary.
There is also pleasure
from lowering or numbing pain, shame or guilt, as it provides distance from
taking responsibility to resolve the real issues of life and marriage (which
risk failure).
In his book, The
Addictive Personality: Understanding The Addictive Process And Compulsive
Behaviour Craig Nakken provides the following definition for
addiction, as:
“A pathological love
and trust relationship with an object [person] or event … the out-of-control
and aimless searching for wholeness, happiness, and peace through a
relationship with an object or event.”
It makes sense that so
many depressives and alcoholics find themselves in toxic relationships.
What are the warning signs?
There are at least 12
warning signs to alert you to take action to protect yourself and your
relationship from ’emotional infidelity.’
1. Thinking and saying you’re ‘just friends’
with opposite-sex.
If you’ve been thinking or
saying, “we’re just friends,” think again.
If it’s a member of the
opposite sex, you may be swimming in treacherous waters.
The very words are
dangerous to your marriage.
This rationale allows you
to make excuses, or more plainly, to tell lies (to yourself and others) about
something you know in your gut is wrong.
Regardless how strongly TV
and entertainment promote the idea of opposite-sex friendships (and this is
part of the problem!) as not only ‘okay,’ but also ‘right’ to demand
unconditional trust, in most cases, an intimate friendship with a member of the
opposite-sex that you find interesting and attractive poses risks.
2. Treating them as a confidant, sharing
intimate issues.
Sharing thoughts and
deepest concerns, hopes and fears, passions and problems is what deepens
intimacy; it builds an emotional bond between two people, time better used in
marriage relationship.
Giving this away to
another person, regardless of the justification, is infidelity, a betrayal of
trust.
This is especially true
when you consider that emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human
relationships, much stronger than a sexual one.
3. Discussing troubling aspects of your
marriage and partner.
Talking or venting to a
person of the opposite sex about what your marriage lacks, what your partner
lacks, or what you’re not getting to make you happy sends a loud message that
you’re available for someone else to ‘love and care’ for your needs.
It’s also a breach of
trust.
And, like gossip, it
creates a false sense of shared connection, and an illusion that you, your
happiness, your comfort and needs are totally valued by this person (when, in
truth, this has not been put to the test!).
4. Comparing them verbally and mentally to
your partner.
Another danger sign is a
thinking pattern that increasingly finds what is ‘positive’ and ‘just right’
about the friend and ‘negative’ and ‘unfulfilling’ about the partner.
This builds a case ‘for’
the friend and ‘against’ the partner.
Another mental breach of
trust, this unfairly builds a physiologically felt case ‘for’ the friend and
‘against’ the partner, forming mental images in the brain that associate
pleasurable and painful sensations accordingly.
5. Obsessively thinking or daydreaming about
the person.
If you find yourself
looking forward to seeing the person, cannot wait to share news, think about
what you’re going to tell them when you’re apart, and imagine their excitement,
you’re in trouble.
This sense of expectation,
excitement, anticipation releases dopamine in reward centers of your brain,
reinforcing toxic patterns.
Obsessively thinking about
the person is an obvious signal that something is wrong.
After all, you don’t do
this with your friends, right?
6. Believing this person ‘gets’ you like no
other.
It always appears this way
in affairs and romantic encounters at the start.
It’s an illusion, and in
the case of emotional infidelity, one that is dangerous to a marriage because
the sense of mutual ‘understanding’ forms a bond that strengthens and deepens
emotional intimacy, with the release of pleasurable neurochemicals, such as the
love and safety hormone oxytocin.
This focus also puts you
in a ‘getting’ frame of mind.
It means you are approaching your marriage in terms of
what you’re getting or not getting, rather than what you’re contributing.
7. Pulling out of regular activities with your
partner, family, work.
Being absorbed with desire
to spend more and more time talking, sharing, being with the person, it’s only
natural to begin to resent time you spend on responsibilities and activities at
home (and work?).
As a result, you begin to
pull away, turn down, or make excuses for not joining regular activities with
your partner and family.
Family members notice you
are withdrawn, irritable and unhappy.
8. Keeping what you do secret and covering up
your trail.
Secrecy itself is a
warning sign.
It creates a distinct
closeness between two people, and at the same time grows the distance between
them and others.
Secrets create a special
bond, most often an unhealthy one.
For example, there may be
a false sense of emotional safety and trust with the person, and an unwarranted
mistrust and suspicion of the partner, or those who try to interfere with the
‘friendship.’
9. Keeping a growing list of reasons that
justify your behaviors.
This involves an addictive
pattern of thinking that focuses your attention on how unhappy you are, why
you’re unhappy, and blames your partner and marriage for all aspects of your
unhappiness.
It builds a dangerous
sense of entitlement and forms a pool of resentment from which you feel
justified to mistreat your partner or do what you need to increase your
happiness without considering the consequences.
10.
Fantasizing about a love or sexual
relationship with the person.
At some point, one or both persons begin to fantasize about having
a love or sexual relationship with the other.
They may begin to have discussions about this, which adds to the
intensity, the intrigue and the intoxicating addictive releases of neurochemicals
that make the pattern more entrenched.
11.
Giving or receiving personal gifts from
the person.
Another flag is when the
obsession affects your buying behaviors, so that you begin to think about this
person when you are shopping, wondering what they like or would show your
appreciation.
The gift choices are
something intimate items that you would not give ‘just’ a friend.
Gifts send clear messages
that the two of you are a ‘close we’ set apart from others, and that the
relationship is ‘special.’
12.
Planning to spend time alone together
or letting it happen.
This is the warning sign
that, when not heeded, most often pushes partners to cross the line from a
platonic to a sexual relationship.
Despite good intentions
and promises to one another that they would not let ‘anything’ happen, it’s a
set up, a matter of time, when opposite-sex friends flirt with the availability
of time alone.
If you or someone close to
you is manifesting any of these dangerous warning signs, it is time to pull
back and concentrate all that energy into building up their present marriages.
Until I come your way
again, this is #MorningVibesWithDrJerryTheFirst
Keep it coming!!!
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